make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
