Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I look better un-naked...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
