who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
