Someone shit on the floor
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
