Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
