I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
