just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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