Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
