I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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