I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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