I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
