I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
