If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
