just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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