I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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