I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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