you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
