dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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