someone threw a dead crab at me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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