my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
