saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
