Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
