Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
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