I got her a Nickelback box set.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I did not marry a roomba.
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