If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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