Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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