Do you still have your period?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
