Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
