I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
