So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
