I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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