Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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