I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
