I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
