Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
