Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
