he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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