He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
