I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
