i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
