so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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