Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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