If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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