I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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