I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We need to rekindle our bromance
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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