if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
