haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
