I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
