I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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