Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
