Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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