If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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