I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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