Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
