If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
