i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
