Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
